Sometimes The Book is boring, but not today. We start with a bang (pun intended).

Amnon, son of David, falls in love with his virgin half-sister Tamar. He doesn’t know what to do, so he asks his nephew Jonadab for advice. His advice is to pretend to be sick and say that no one but Tamar can make him better. When he gets her alone, he tries to force her into his bed, and she pleads that he should just ask David for her hand. But he can’t wait and rapes her. Suddenly, his great love was gone, and he kicked her out. She tore her robe, put ashes on her head, and cried loudly as she walked away. Then we get the family reaction:

Tamar’s brother Absalom said to her, “How could Amnon have done such a terrible thing to you! But since he’s your brother, don’t tell anyone what happened. Just try not to think about it.” Tamar soon moved into Absalom’s house, but she was always sad and lonely. When David heard what had happened to Tamar, he was very angry. But Amnon was his oldest son and also his favorite, and David would not do anything to make Amnon unhappy. (2 Samuel 13:20-21 CEV)

Great family we have here. The nephew give the strategy for the rape, one brother rapes his sister, the other brother tells her to hush it up, and their father doesn’t want to upset the rapist. But it’s okay, because two years later, Absalom kills Amnon for the rape. Better late than never. However, the purpose of this is not really revenge, but to advance the plotline of David having adversity as King.

After Absalom flees,he eventually wants to get back with his father. But Joab (David’s flapper) doesn’t answer his calls. So he sets Joab’s barley field on fire to get his attention. Is this an appropriate response?

After David forgives Absalom, Absalom decides he wants to be King. Maybe this is why he killed the oldest son? So he sits at the gate and tells everyone who wants to see David that David is unavailable, and just tell me your problems. After four years (or forty; translations differ), he rides out to Hebron to run his revolt.

David leaves Jerusalem, but sends back the Ark. Maybe he thinks that Absalom might touch it and get smitten. He also sends back a spy!

Next: 2 Samuel 16-18

How does a king treat the people (and animals) whom he beats in battle? With sympathy? With compassion?

David also defeated the Moabites. He made them lie down on the ground and measured them off with a length of cord. Every two lengths of them were put to death, and the third length was allowed to live. […] David captured a thousand of his chariots, seven thousand charioteers and twenty thousand foot soldiers. He hamstrung all but a hundred of the chariot horses. (2 Samuel 8:2, 4 NIV)

Oh well. That’s what happens in war. At least he doesn’t do this to his own loyal subjects. Or does he?

And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king’s house: and from the roof he saw [Bathsheba] washing herself; and the woman was very beautiful to look upon. […] And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house. […] And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent it by the hand of Uriah [Bathsheba’s husband] And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die. (2 Samuel 11:2, 4, 14, 15 KJV)

This is the greatest king the Israelis have had? He’s a mockery of a king. At least even the Lord is unhappy about this. He’s so unhappy that he kills David’s son. Not David, of course, but the innocent baby.

But David cries and fasts and ears a sackcloth and begs The Lord to spare his child. But He kills him anyway. And David pulls himself together. It turns out, this was an early version of Pascal’s wager.

And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious to me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. (2 Samuel 12:22, 23 KJV)

Next: 2 Samuel 13-15

When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God. […] David was afraid of the Lord that day and said, “How can the ark of the Lord ever come to me?” He was not willing to take the ark of the Lord to be with him in the City of David. Instead, he took it to the house of Obed-Edom the Gittite. (2 Samuel 6:6, 7, 9, 10 NIV)

I’d be a little nervous, too. Uzzah grabs the ark to keep it from falling on the ground, and The Lord smites him. Later on, David won’t let that thing in his house. Smart guy. He also does a whole song and dance routine to appease the sociopath, which his newest bride, Michal, finds demeaning. “Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul had no child unto the day of her death.” (2 Samuel 6:23 KJV)

The next day, David tells his prophet, Nathan, that he plans to build a nice house for the ark, since it’s been kept in a tent all this time. Overnight, Nathan has a vision of The Lord telling him to tell David that he’d better not do it. When David hears this, he drones on for twelve verses telling the Lord how wonderful He is, just so he won’t end up like Uzzah.

One parting note: it’s good to be King! See below:

After he left Hebron, David took more concubines and wives in Jerusalem, and more sons and daughters were born to him. (2 Samuel 5:13 NIV)

Next: 2 Samuel 8-12.

First, I’d like to point out how The Book can’t be consistent between two consecutive chapters. It’s Saul’s death, yet they can’t keep the details straight.

Then said Saul unto his armourbearer, Draw thy sword, and thrust me through therewith; lest these uncircumcised come and thrust me through, and abuse me. But his armourbearer would not; for he was sore afraid. Therefore Saul took a sword, and fell upon it. (1 Samuel 31:4 KJV) So I stood upon [Saul], and slew him, because I was sure that he could not live after that he was fallen: and I took the crown that was upon his head, and the bracelet that was on his arm, and have brought them hither unto my lord. (2 Samuel 1:10 KJV)

So, did Saul kill himself, or did some unnamed Amalekite? The second version is juicier because later, David kills the soldier for obeying Saul’s request.

Next chapter, we get a list of David’s six most recent children, borne to him by as many wives. Is he content?

And David sent messengers to Ish-bosheth Saul’s son, saying, Deliver me my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred foreskins of the Philistines. (2 Samuel 3:14 KJV)

Can’t forget about those hundred foreskins. Must have seventh wife.

The chapter ends with a long story about one of David’s henchmen, Joab, murdering one of David’s old enemies, Abner. It spends a lot of time having David protest too much.

Later, when David heard about this, he said, “I and my kingdom are forever innocent before the Lord concerning the blood of Abner son of Ner. May his blood fall on the head of Joab and on his whole family! May Joab’s family never be without someone who has a running sore or leprosy or who leans on a crutch or who falls by the sword or who lacks food.” (2 Samuel 3:28, 29 NIV)

And besides the protests, we can’t forget visiting the sins of the fathers on the children.

Next: 2 Samuel 4-7

When last we left David, he is pretending to be on the Philistines’ side, but has been attacking their towns and killing everyone so that he can get away with it. Now, he’s upset that they don’t trust him.

And David said unto Achish, But what have I done? and what hast thou found in thy servant so long as I have been with thee unto this day, that I may not go fight against the enemies of my lord the king? (1 Samuel 29:8 KJV)

Decades ago, the Lord realized he made a mistake making Saul king, and decided to switch to David. So rather than jumping in a just doing it, he let Saul live a long time, and have the people suffer under his rule. Eventually, he let the Israelites be defeated, just so that he could have Saul fall on his own sword.

It really sucks to be a Chosen Person.

Next: 2 Samuel 1-3.

Note: I have stopped reading for the last six months, because it’s just so depressing. I’m back again.

“I swear that by morning, there won’t be a man or boy left from his family or his servants’ families. I pray that God will punish me if I don’t do it!” (1 Samuel 25:22 CEV)

What terrible thing did Nabal do to enrage David so that he’d slaughter his family? Did he destroy a town, enslave a nation, or poison a well? No, he insulted David. Fortunately, Nabal’s wife Abigail buys off David with food and drink.

When Abigail tells Nabal what she did, he has a heart attack and dies ten days later. When David hears, he offers to marry the grieving widow. She becomes his (second) wife.

Later, Saul tries to kill David again, and David again has the opportunity, but doesn’t kill him. Again.

The David leaves Israel, and is given a town. But he’s still working undercover for Israel.

Whenever David attacked an area, he did not leave a man or woman alive, but took sheep and cattle, donkeys and camels, and clothes. Then he returned to Achish. He did not leave a man or woman alive to be brought to Gath, for he thought, “They might inform on us and say, ‘This is what David did.’” And such was his practice as long as he lived in Philistine territory. (1 Samuel 27:9, 11 NIV)

This is the good King?

Next: 1 Samuel 28-31

Now that David knows that King Saul wants him dead, he runs and hides all over the desert. Eventually, he will be King, because the Lord hates having appointed Saul, but just can’t bring Himself to get rid of Saul. So David keeps running.

Every once in a while, David gets advice from the Lord about how to save a town, but the Lord never bothers to tell him to just kill Saul.

In fact, as David is running and hiding, he doesn’t tell anyone who is hiding him that he’s running from Saul. He says he’s on a secret mission. This doesn’t workout so well for the priests that unwittingly hide him.

And the king said unto the footmen that stood about him, Turn, and slay the priests of the Lord; because their hand also is with David, and because they knew when he fled, and did not shew it to me. But the servants of the king would not put forth their hand to fall upon the priests of the Lord. And the king said to Doeg, Turn thou, and fall upon the priests. And Doeg the Edomite turned, and he fell upon the priests, and slew on that day fourscore and five persons that did wear a linen ephod. And Nob, the city of the priests, smote he with the edge of the sword, both men and women, children and sucklings, and oxen, and asses, and sheep, with the edge of the sword. (1 Samuel 22:17-19 KJV)

Why does the Lord let this happen? Why does he let Auschwitz happen?

In the end, David is hiding in the back of a cave where Saul stops to take a leak. Rather than killing him, he snips of a piece of his robe, so that he can prove to Saul that there is nothing to fear. Saul cries like a baby.

The End.

I’ve been gypped. Saul is a bloodthirsty sociopath who will kill every man, woman, child, and goat in a town that accidentally hides David. But he weeps and changes his mind with a scrap of cloth.

Next: 1 Samuel 25-27.

Samuel spends most of these chapters trying to find different ways to kill David, and no one seems to remember from one day to the next that this is his plan. They don’t even pay attention to his rants. In this quote, Jonathan is trying to figure out if Saul wants to kill David. Here is Saul mid-rant:

“As long as the son of Jesse [David] lives on this earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Now send someone to bring him to me, for he must die!” “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” Jonathan asked his father. But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David. (1 Samuel 20:31-33 NIV)

Jonathan didn’t know until Saul hurled the spear. That is after two other times that he threw his spear at David, hired assassins, sent him underarmed against the Philistines, and generally acting against his interests.

Earlier, David is betrothed to Saul’s daughter, Merab, but while David is out fighting, Saul gives her to someone else. But he has another daughter, Merab, whom David loves, and who loves David, which makes Saul happy. Why is he happy? I thought he hated David?

But he’s willing to give David his younger daughter. He just has a special dowry request.

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king’s enemies. But Saul thought to make David fall by the hand of the Philistines. Wherefore David arose and went, he and his men, and slew of the Philistines two hundred men; and David brought their foreskins, and they gave them in full tale to the king, that he might be the king’s son in law. And Saul gave him Michal his daughter to wife. (1 Samuel 18:25, 27 KJV)

These stories make no sense. The Lord wants to replace Saul with David, but only tells Samuel, and doesn’t do anything about it. Saul hates David so much that he sometimes tries to spear him. But he’s happy to give his daughter to him. David and Jonathan are never quite certain if Saul wants to kill David, in spite of all the signs, like:

Saul told his son Jonathan and all the attendants to kill David. But Jonathan had taken a great liking to David and warned him, “My father Saul is looking for a chance to kill you. Be on your guard tomorrow morning; go into hiding and stay there. (1 Samuel 19:1, 2 NIV)

Then two more chapters of dithering.

Next: 1 Samuel 21-24

Now go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass. (1 Samuel 15:3 KJV)

Once again, the Lord tells someone to slaughter all living things in a region. Saul kills all the people and most of the livestock, but saves the best for a sacrifice to the Lord But since He’s not obeyed precisely, He gets angry. He regrets his decision to make Saul king, and conspires with Samuel to find a replacement in secret. Why in secret? They never explain.

After running through all of Jesse’s sons, He picks the youngest, David. But they don’t tell anyone, and David goes back to shepherding. When Israel and the Philistines get to battling, Goliath mocks all the girly men of the Israeli army who are afraid to fight him. David (the once and future king) brings food for his brothers and hears the taunts, and challenges Goliath. He gets a pretty bad-ass speech — I think it was the backup speech for Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction.

This day will the Lord deliver thee into mine hand; and I will smite thee, and take thine head from thee; and I will give the carcases of the host of the Philistines this day unto the fowls of the air, and to the wild beasts of the earth; that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel. (1 Samuel 17:46 KJV)

And that he does. He smites Goliath with the rock, and decapitates him with his own sword. Pretty vicious.

Next: 1 Samuel 18-20.

Finally, Saul commanded, “Bring me some animals, so we can offer sacrifices to please the Lord and ask for his help.” Saul killed one of the animals, and just as he was placing it on the altar, Samuel arrived. Saul went out to welcome him. “What have you done?” Samuel asked. Saul answered, “My soldiers were leaving in all directions, and you didn’t come when you were supposed to. The Philistines were gathering at Michmash, and I was worried that they would attack me here at Gilgal. I hadn’t offered a sacrifice to ask for the Lord’s help, so I forced myself to offer a sacrifice on the altar fire.” “That was stupid!” Samuel said. “You didn’t obey the Lord your God. If you had obeyed him, someone from your family would always have been king of Israel. But no, you disobeyed, and so the Lord won’t choose anyone else from your family to be king. In fact, he has already chosen the one he wants to be the next leader of his people.” (1 Samuel 13:9-14 CEV)

A couple of chapters back, the People ask Samuel to appoint a King, and the Lord tells them that they’ll be sorry. So He appoints Saul, whom He punishes for making a sacrifice just before he’s about to be overrun by Philistines.

None of this makes sense, except as a cruel trick that the Lord is playing on Saul and the Israelites.

In the next chapter, Jonathon, Saul’s son, slaughters a chunk of the Philistine army and scatters the rest. Saul chases them down, and lays a curse on anyone in his army who pauses to eat. Of course, Jonathan doesn’t hear this and eats. This makes Saul quite mad, and for a moment, it seems like this will be another Jephthah episode. Fortunately, the rest of the army stops Saul from executing his son.

Reading all this, it seems that Saul is a really bad King. He makes bad rules, makes bad tactical decisions, and even Samuel thinks he’s an idiot. The Lord warned the people that they wouldn’t like the King he appointed. He was right.

Next: 1 Samuel 15-17.