… What shall we do with the ark of the God of Israel? And they answered, Let the ark of the God of Israel be carried about unto Gath. And they carried the ark of the God of Israel about thither. And it was so, that, after they had carried it about, the hand of the Lord was against the city with a very great destruction: and he smote the men of the city, both small and great, and they had emerods in their secret parts. (1 Samuel 5:8, 9 KJV)

Also known as “hemorrhoids”.

Because Eli’s sons roasted the lamb rather than boiling it, the Philistines defeat the Israelites and capture the Ark of the Covenant. They learn that it is cursed, and whichever town they bring it to has a plague of fatal hemorrhoids. So each town that gets it passes it to the next town.

As I was reading this section, I imagined Benny Hill running at double speed bringing the Ark from town to town. Two chapters of slapstick, with it ending with the Philistines sending it back on a cart with golden mice and golden hemorrhoids, pulled by two cows that “went straight up the road toward Beth-Shemesh, mooing as they went.” (1 Samuel 6:12 CEV)

Of course, comedy turns to tragedy when, after seventy locals celebrated the Ark’s return, they look inside, and get killed by the Lord for being nosy.

The Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark should have read their 1 Samuel. But I think Spielberg made the right choice in melting their faces rather than showing fatal hemorrhoids on-screen.

The end of today’s reading has left me with a cliffhanger. Samuel’s sons turn out to be typical sons of the ruler — they were dishonest and took bribes. The people asked Samuel to appoint a King, and when he asked the Lord for advice, He said, “if that’s what they want, that’s what they’ll get.” I suspect things will not turn out well.

Next: 1 Samuel 9-12.