These are the nations the Lord left to test all those Israelites who had not experienced any of the wars in Canaan (he did this only to teach warfare to the descendants of the Israelites who had not had previous battle experience): … They were left to test the Israelites to see whether they would obey the Lord’s commands, which he had given their ancestors through Moses. (Judges 3:1-2,4 NIV)

The Lord promised that He would help Israel slaughter everyone in the Promised Land. But He didn’t. Instead, since some had iron chariots, He couldn’t defeat them, so He claims He left them on purpose, to test the people. Well, they failed.

In fact, the book of Judges seems to have a simple plot line:

1. Israel is in bondage for a long time.
2. The Lord sends someone to lead Israel to victory and free them.
3. Israel lives in peace for a while.
4. Eventually, they start ignoring the Lord and disobey Him.
5. The Lord sends another tribe to enslave Israel.

Repeat ad nauseam.

Israel and the Lord need couples counseling, since they seem to have a cycle of distrust. The Lord makes promises He can’t keep, which makes Israel disobey Him and follow other Gods, which causes Him to get angry and keep even fewer of His promises.

Reading Judges feels no different from reading any of the other bronze age mythology. Everything good or bad that happens is because some God is happy or angry, but you can never guess which way He’ll go until it happens.

Next: Judges 6-7.

In Joshua 15:16-19, Caleb gives his daughter Achsah to Othniel, because he smited Kirjath-sepher. Later, she lighted off her ass and asked for two springs from her father, which he gave her. Years later, in Judges 1:12-15, the exact same thing happened. Has no one proofed this book in the three thousand years since it’s been written? I understand when one chapter retells an earlier chapter’s story from a different angle, but this is crazy.

Is the description of the Jebusites not being driven out more duplication, or are the children of Benjamin just not very good warriors? And there are another half-dozen tribes that the Israelites were not able to drive out, even though the Lord promised them the land. He’s not known for keeping his word.

In Judges 2, we see just how bad a relationship the Lord and Israel have. It’s a cycle of violence. First the Jews start intermarrying, and worshiping other God’s, then the Lord punishes them by allowing their enemies to beat them, so the Jews distrust Him even more, and the cycle continues.

I think they just need to learn to live without each other.

Next: Judges 3-5.

The first thing the two-and-a-half tribes do once they settle back on the East side of the Jordan is build an altar — exactly as God had expressly forbidden. The other Israelites should “smite the inhabitants of that city with the edge of the sword, destroying it utterly, and all that is therein, and the cattle thereof, with the edge of the sword.” (Deuteronomy 13:15 KJV)

Fortunately for everyone, they send a delegation to ask about it, and the Eastern tribes say that it’s not an altar, really, but a reminder of the one true altar, and if the Lord doesn’t like it, He should strike them down.

The rules are arbitrary and capricious. The Lord kills Nadab and Abihu, Aaron’s sons, because “they offered strange fire before the Lord, which He commanded them not.” (Leviticus 10:1) but two-and-a-half tribes build a strictly forbidden altar, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make sense.

What does make sense is just how terrified the other Israelites are. They know just how petty and mean their God is, and how He takes out His anger on everyone. They are still being punished for the orgies their grandparents had back in Acacia.

In the end, the Israelites renew their vows to the Lord, and Joshua dies. It was a quick book.

Next: Judges 1-2

These chapters were a mercifully quick read. Again, more details about who gets what towns, and what e boundaries are. Why are people still reading these books? Assuming it’s true, it hasn’t been relevant for thousands of years. Not only are the borders now meaningless, but in Israel today, there are no safe cities.

Apologists may say that now we have laws, and don’t need the safe towns. But why not just have laws back then? What’s changed?

Next: Joshua 22-24.

Yet the Manassites were not able to occupy these towns, for the Canaanites were determined to live in that region. However, when the Israelites grew stronger, they subjected the Canaanites to forced labor but did not drive them out completely. (Joshua 17:12-13 NIV)

What happened to the Lord’s power? Did the Manassites have a more powerful god? There’s no explanation, no scapegoat like at Ai, no nothing. Maybe they took lessons from the Jesubites.

The rest of the chapters are about more divvying up the stolen land amongst the tribes. Not very interesting.

Next: Joshua 19-21.

As for the Jebusites the inhabitants of Jerusalem, the children of Judah could not drive them out: but the Jebusites dwell with the children of Judah at Jerusalem unto this day. (Joshua 15:63 KJV)

Why not? The Lord parted the Red Sea, made the Jordan River dry up, knocked down the walls of Jericho, and made the Sun “stand still” for 24 hours. But he couldn’t help Israel defeat the Jesubites. When Ai beat Israel in a battle, it was because the Lord was mad at them. But with Jebus, we get no explanation. Oh well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. He just doesn’t follow through on his promises.

There are three things going on in these four chapters: bragging, looting, and listing.

Chapter 12 is bragging how Israel rampaged and smote all the kings of the land, and split the territory. A big list of thirty and one kings that were smote. The other three chapters are mostly lists of borders, which tribe gets which plot of land, and some smiting. There’s also a mini-story about Caleb forcing his daughter to marry her first cousin. This is after Joshua gives Caleb promised land forty-five years late. But at least he got it!

Next: Joshua 16-18.

So Joshua smote all the country of the hills, and of the south, and of the vale, and of the springs, and all their kings: he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord God of Israel commanded. And Joshua smote them from Kadesh-barnea even unto Gaza, and all the country of Goshen, even unto Gibeon. (Joshua 10:40-41 KJV)

Israel has just killed everyone in Jericho and Ai, and are preparing to kill everyone else in the Promised Land. Because they didn’t ask the Lord for advice, they accidentally make a peace treaty with Gibeon. They don’t make that mistake twice.

First, five kings ally themselves to drive Israel out of Canaan, but they get themselves and their towns slaughtered. While doing this, they destroy three other named towns. And then the narrator gets tired of naming them, and just talks of them rampaging across the peninsula.

In chapter 11, another group of kings band together to try to stop them, but also get destroyed. In the end, “There was not a city that made peace with the children of Israel, save the Hivites the inhabitants of Gibeon: all other they took in battle”. (Joshua 11:19 KJV)

In all this story, we don’t have any idea what these dead people did to deserve this. All that we have is a rampaging army, led by a sociopathic deity. No rhyme, no reason; just blood.

Next: Joshua 12-15.

Then Joshua, together with all Israel, took Achan son of Zerah, the silver, the robe, the gold bar, his sons and daughters, his cattle, donkeys and sheep, his tent and all that he had, to the Valley of Achor. Joshua said, “Why have you brought this trouble on us? The lord will bring trouble on you today.” Then all Israel stoned him, and after they had stoned the rest, they burned them. (Joshua 7:24-25 NIV)

What terrible thing did Achan and all his family do? As part of an army of aggression, he invaded a city, killed all the men, women, and children, killed the livestock, and burned it to the ground.

Just kidding. That’s not his crime. Instead, Achan and his family were stoned and burned because he stole a little loot, rather than burning it all.

Also, thirty-six Israelites are killed in a failed raid on Ai, because Achan secretly looted the city they destroyed.

Four chapters, two towns razed. Their crimes? None; their land was promised to Israel.

Before all the town razing, they first had to circumcise all the males with flint knives. Why weren’t they already circumcised?

They were still uncircumcised because they had not been circumcised on the way. (Joshua 5:7 NIV)

That’s not an answer

Next: Joshua 9-11.

Joshua and the Lord are preparing the people to cross the Jordan River and attack Jericho. They send two spies into town, who immediately go to a brothel. Wandering the desert forty years will do that to a person. The king of Jericho gets wind of this and sends troops to capture them. Rahab, the harlot, hides them, and then begs for her family’s life.

What surprises me is that the men promise to save them. The Lord was pretty explicit about killing everyone — including the women and children. I’m interested to see how this turns out.

We spend two chapters on another waters parting miracle. This time, the Lord parts the Jordan river. It’s a neat trick, but everyone gets very excited about it, and the Lord is quite proud of himself.

He has the people pick stones from the river bed and make a nice design, hat will remind the people of the Lord’s good works.

Next: Joshua 5-8.

For a fire will be kindled by my wrath, one that burns down to the realm of the dead below. It will devour the earth and its harvests and set afire the foundations of the mountains. “I will heap calamities on them and spend my arrows against them. (Deuteronomy 32:22-23 NIV)

In these verses, “them” is the Israelites. Not yet done telling the people what the Lord will do to them, Moses sings them a song describing it. I can’t decide who is worse: Moses or the Lord.

But maybe Moses is just crotchety because the Lord is punishing him because he once questioned Him. He knows that he’s about to die, since the Israelites are about to enter Canaan.

However, the Lord did not scatter Israel, not because He loves them, but because he doesn’t want to be embarrassed. He…

…dreaded the taunt of the enemy, lest the adversary misunderstand and say, ‘Our hand has triumphed; the lord has not done all this.’” (Deuteronomy 32:27 NIV)

In the end, as promised, He brings Moses up a mountain so that he can see the promised land, and then kills him. What a Guy!

The last act of the book of Deuteronomy, Joshua is made leader.

Next: Joshua 1-4.