Lev 16: The Lord killed Aaron’s two sons because they didn’t sacrifice properly. Now, we have an entire chapter about how Aaron has to sacrifice to ask forgiveness of the Lord. Not the other way around. He’s such a jerk! A word of warning to Aaron is that he must not approach the temple and look behind the curtain.

Also, we need to celebrate Yom Kippur.

Lev 17: There are two important points in this chapter. First is that you are not allowed to sacrifice to the Lord anywhere except at the temple. If you sacrifice outside, you will not feed the priests please the Lord.

Another point is that it’s really, really bad to eat blood.

Lev 18 is all about sex. Or more specifically, with whom you may not have sex. Pretty much any close relation, which means that there are lots of important people from earlier chapters (including Moses’ father) who have committed abominations. Of note is Lev 18:18, which explicitly condones bigamy.

Special mention goes to Lev 18:22, which outlaws gay male sex, but says nothing about lesbians. To be fair, only one of these restrictions are against women (Lev 18:23: bestiality), so either the Lord has no restrictions for them, or just doesn’t bother, because He just doesn’t care.

Tomorrow: Leviticus 19-21

Yesterday, I wrote about how an omniscient god might give His people useful health advice, but this One doesn’t. Well, He still doesn’t. In the chapter about how to handle someone’s skin disease, there’s a bit of herbs, and lots of sacrifice. But nothing that will actually help.

This carries over to today, when some people would rather pray than take their children to a doctor.

We also have a chapter all about various discharges. Lumped in with infections are women’s periods. You are unclean for seven days, and any who touch you are also unclean. And if a man and woman have sex (and the man comes), they are unclean for he rest of the day.

Readings about various discharges and molds seems like an unlikely thing to have in a holy book.

Tomorrow: Leviticus 16-18.

Now we’re getting into cleanliness. I have a lot to say about these three chapters; they make me very mad.

Lev 11 is about clean and unclean animals. The Israelites don’t get instruction about what animals are clean until the Lord tells Moses. If this is the case, how did Noah know which animals should come in pairs, and which should come in seven pairs? Is the Lord’s omnipresence through time and space so great that He can’t tell that he gave the clean list after He told Noah to take seven pairs of clean animals? And wouldn’t Nah have asked him about that?

Then the example of a rabbit being unclean “because he cheweth the cud, but divideth not the hoof.” Whose cud is he chewing? I can understand why an ignorant goat-herd would make this mistake, but the Lord? This is a direct quote. If He can’t get basic biology correct, how can we trust Him about anything?

Lev 12 is the misogynous chapter. It’s about how a woman who gives birth to a son is unclean for seven days (fourteen for a daughter). Just like when she has her period. So we continue the punishment of Eve even unto the last generation.

After thirty-three days (sixty-six for a daughter) of isolation, she must en bring a sin offering to the temple, where “the priest shall make an atonement for her, and she shall be clean.” What a bunch of fatheads.

Lev 13 is the real kicker. It’s a treatise on recognizing and treating infectious skin diseases, as dictated by the Lord. But it’s complete malarkey. It makes no mention of bacteria, disinfection, or the germ theory of disease. Sure, these are bronze age sheep herders, but they are ignorant, not stupid. If the Lord can give them detailed rules about which earlobe gets smeared with blood and when, He can give them detailed rules about recognizing and treating disease.

So this last chapter tells us that either the Bible was not the Word of God, or the Lord is a dick.

Tomorrow: Leviticus 14-15.

I did not see this coming. We’ve had multiple chapters of explicit instruction on how to be a priest, and now it looked like multiple chapters of Aaron and his children performing those acts. I was expecting another long slog. But I forgot the Lord’s temper.

Aaron’s sons Nadab and Abihu took their censers, put fire in them and added incense; and they offered unauthorized fire before the lord, contrary to his command. So fire came out from the presence of the lord and consumed them, and they died before the lord. (Lev 10:1-2)

They’re just learning the rules, make a mistake, and the Lord kills them for their effort. Moses’ response is that it’s their own damn fault, but Moses has had Stockholm Syndrome ever since the Lord almost killed him on the road to Egypt.

Later, Moses gets mad at Aaron for not eating a sin sacrifice, who points out what happened to his children who performed that sacrifice. Moses has nothing to say.

Tomorrow (later today): Leviticus 11-13.

There are a couple of rules about how to pay restitution for crimes against your fellow man, but pages and pages about how to pay for crimes against your Lord. Pages. We learn in great detail which parts of which animals to burn, flay, and sprinkle, and in which corner of the altar, depending on who the perpetrator was. But only for crimes against the Lord. For stealing and lying, restitution plus 20%, and that’s it.

An important aspect of all the offerings for the Lord is that, while most of them are burnt completely (the aroma is pleasing), some go to the priests. It’s a pretty good racket the priests have set up here.

So what is the problem with fat and blood? I understand the concept of unclean animals (I have my own prejudices), and I have some ideas about kids and their mothers’ milk, but I don’t see the problem with blood and fat? The fat is the most delicious part of a grilled lamb chop. Leaving it behind is a sin!

Tomorrow: Leviticus 8-10.

When you sacrifice a chicken to the Lord, you must butterfly it. (Lev 1:14-17)

When you are making matzoh for the Lord, don’t forget the salt. (Lev 2:13)

The tasty parts of the animals are not for you, but for the Lord; no juices and no fat for you. (Lev 3:17)

I want to know who has to clean up the altar. It is splashed with blood at every offering.

And when did the Lord stop finding the aroma pleasing?

Tomorrow: Leviticus 4-6.

Two more chapters of detailed blueprints and patterns (but no recipes). We’ve closed the Book of Exodus with a whimper.

One point that is still nagging is why these quite detailed descriptions are not followed any more. I’ve been to a few synagogues, and have never seen where the burnt offerings go, nor have I seen any use of anointing oils. Did the Lord tell someone else they don’t need to follow these guidelines any more? It’s strange, because the most conservative Jews dress the same as they did in the 19th century, but would be shocked to see other sects making offerings.

Tomorrow is another day, and another book: Leviticus 1-3.

Three chapters of hammering and stitching, and not much else. This is the most boring part of the Bible I’ve read. The only interesting part is that the people are bringing more than enough to build everything. It’s called a “freewill offering”, but given the Lord’s temper, I wouldn’t call it very free.

Tomorrow: Exodus 39-40 (last chapters)

Moses carves out another pair of tablets so that The Lord can dictate the ten commandments again. But this time, they are different. No mention of murder, false witness, and theft. It’s all about religious ceremonies, avoiding the shiksas, and not worshiping another god, “for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God” (Ex 34:14). So nice, He had to say it twice.

The Lord says that he’s going to send an angel to lead the people out of the desert and against their enemies. He won’t be able to lead personally, because He doesn’t trust Himself enough to restrain from killing all the Israelites. The Lord is a psychopath, but at least he understands his own tendencies.

My favorite part of this reading is the second half of 33. Moses asks to see The Lord, but anyone who sees His face cannot live. So He moons Moses instead. Was it hairy?

By the way, Ex 35 is mostly about building a tabernacle and properly decorating it. You can skip it.

Tomorrow: Exodus 36-38

There’s not much to say about Exodus 31-32 except that The Lord has very specific taste in perfume, and is very jealous. But that’s how he describes himself anyway. Anyone caught using his perfume is to be cast out of the tribe. That’s harsh, but not as harsh as killing someone for doing any work on the Sabbath.

Again though, I don’t understand why no one follows these rules any more. These have not been inferred from some more vague laws, but quotes from YHWH himself. Chose your favorite translation, but they are all quite clear: “whosoever doeth any work in the sabbath day, he shall surely be put to death” (Ex 31:15).

But today’s reading is not about personalized perfumes or hypocrisy about the goy Camp Hatikvah hired to turn out the lights on Friday nights. It’s about how Moses handles dissension. In Ex 32:10, the Lord is ready to destroy his entire nation (again), but in 11-14, Moses convinces him not to. When Moses comes down the hill and sees the singing for himself, he worries that people are laughing at him, so he gathers the Levites, and does the slaughtering himself. About three thousand people, in one night.

But Aaron, who started it all, and lied his way out of it, is spared. And I said unto them, Whosoever hath any gold, let them break it off. “…and there came out this calf.” (Ex 32:24). My eight year old wouldn’t try that on me, but this Aaron gets away with it.

The next day, Moses tells the Levites who did the slaughtering that they’ve down the work of God, and will be rewarded. He then goes up the mountain to plead for the remaining peoples’ lives. The Lord decides revenge is a dish best served cold, and holds the real punishment. But as an afterthought, gives them each a case of boils (or some other unspecified plague).

Tomorrow: Exodus 33-35