Just wanted to let everyone know I’m still here.

While the expected end date of the Old & New Testaments is March 2012, which is after the end of the world, I will not be speeding up my readings.

To those of you no longer with us, good luck in Heaven.

Yesterday, it was all about the very specific details of the altar. Today, there’s an entire chapter on the garments, and if you get it wrong, you will surely die. the next chapter is the details of how and when to sacrifice, and what to do with the blood: tip of the right ear, tip of the right thumb, and tip of the right big toe. This is getting pretty crazy. I feel like we’re getting into Scientology territory.

In fact, reading these two chapters is like reading about an obsessive-compulsive child. I can just imagine the tantrums that The Lord must throw when he doesn’t get his way exactly. Actually, I don’t need to imagine. Pillar of salt. Rain of fire. Worldwide flood.

Tomorrow: Exodus 30-32

Suddenly, we’ve switched from a story about nation building into a story about house building. Three chapters about exactly how to build an ark, a table, a lamp stand, a tabernacle, an alter, and a courtyard. That’s it. With lots of detail.

comments: true I understand why, when the Lord came down to ask for this, He gave specific directions. What I don’t understand is why it has to be recorded in such detail, and kept for thousands of years. Wo cares? If people were supposed to keep producing these, it would make sense, but God doesn’t even say this — it’s a one-time construction project.

For the Indiana Jones fans, pay attention to Exodus 25:10-22. Spielberg got the Ark just right. Good job.

Tomorrow: Exodus 28-29

The first couple of chapters are some mostly good civic laws. It’s just a little surprising that a book written by God has lots of detailed rules. Maybe it’s because the book is really cobbled together later, and is just codifying the rules that have already been written. Seriously, should He really care about the fact that a stolen ox must be paid back fivefold, but a sheep fourfold?

But we get to the moral laws, and they are all over the place.

No sex with animals. Sounds reasonable. Put them to death. Yow!

Burn the witches. Ouch!

If a man rapes a virgin, he just has to pay a bride price to her father, and he keeps her. Unless the father doesn’t like it. Too bad, honey.

We are now promised a large amount of land, which would make Syria and Egypt quite unhappy if it were all part of Israel. I need to write a book where God promises me someone else’s land. It’s a great scam.

And then Moses went back up the mountain for forty days and nights.

Tomorrow: Exodus 25-27

My old orthodox co-worker Gary tells this joke:

Moses, thou shalt not cook the kid in the milk of its mother. Ok, so I can’t have a glass of milk with my steak? No, listen carefully: Thou shalt not cook the kid in the milk of its mother. So after my lamb chop, no chocolate bar? Moses, you are not listening to me! Thou shalt not cook the kid in the milk of its mother. No cheeseburgers? Oh, do what you want!

The first rule of speaking to The Lord is that you cannot talk with him directly. He will only go through an intermediary. You can approach the mountain, but you may not go up, on pain of death. So saith The Lord Moses. Also, don’t have sex.

I don’t need to summarize the Commandments, but I’ll do the usual: count the number of civil laws and secular moral laws.

Civil Laws: Don’t murder. Don’t steal. Don’t bear false witness.

Moral Laws: Honor your parents. Don’t commit adultery. Don’t covet.

Four others laws are fit for a bronze age god, mostly about being jealous of the other gods.

Next chapter, we start getting into the details. Starting with how to properly deal with slaves. The Hebrew males only serve six years, but the females are children are for life. Here are some of my other favorites:

If you beat your slave to death, you will be punished. But if he recovers in a day or two, it’s okay.

If an ox gores a man to death, the ox must be stoned to death.

And this is for my children:

And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death.

And here is an excellent summary of the slave laws.

Tomorrow: Exodus 22-24

The Israelites get to wander in the wilderness to forty years, mostly so that The Lord can provide. Wouldn’t it be easier to let them settle somewhere? Instead, they get to complain that there’s nothing to eat, and The Lord will provide. But follow the rules!

He rains manna, and they may collect just enough for the day. Any more, and the Lord gets mad at Moses. Unless it’s Friday, and they must collect twice, since God will rest on the Sabbath.

They complain about being thirsty, and Moses splits a rock with his staff to find a spring. Ts one has no strings attached.

Later, Moses’ father-in-law, the priest, comes by and sees what’s happening. He’s so impressed that he acknowledges that The Lord is more powerful than all the other gods. What “other gods”? I’ve come to realize that Judaism is monotheistic in the sense that they only worship on god, but don’t actually disbelieve in the other ones. They just think that their own is more powerful than the rest.

Of course, He’s only more powerful while Moses is able to keep his arms raised. Good thing he has Aaron and Hur to help him hold up his hands when they are fighting Amalek.

Tomorrow: Exodus 19-21

We start with a bang. The Lord will harden Pharaoh’s heart so that He can kill “from the first born of Pharaoh that sitteth upon his throne, even unto the firstborn of the maidservant that is behind the mill.” That’s pretty nasty. What did all the Egyptians do to deserve this? What did Pharaoh, who was willing to let them go after the second plague, do to deserve this?

It doesn’t matter how badly this affects this Egyptians, since this is about teaching the Gentiles a lesson: don’t mess with The Lord, or the Chosen People. “I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh.” It’s also teaching the Israelites a lesson: fear your Lord. No matter how much it seems I’m letting you down, I will save you in the end. So how well did that work 1933-1945?

Then there’s the Red Sea. The Lord is once again setting up the Pharaoh for the fall. He specifically has the Israelites wander around the desert a bit just to lure Pharaoh and his armies out (and of course, hardens his heart some more). So rather than just going straight and getting away clean, he has to perform a massacre that will be remembered for millennia.

This pretty much sums up the sociopath:

14:3 For Pharaoh will say of the children of Israel, They are entangled in the land, the wilderness hath shut them in. 4 And I will harden Pharaoh’s heart, that he shall follow after them; and I will be honoured upon Pharaoh, and upon all his host; that the Egyptians may know that I am the Lord. And they did so.

He’s not just omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient, but also narcissistic and sadistic.

Getting back around to the conduct of the Israelites themselves, before they left Egypt, they looted the place. Exodus 12:36 “And the children of Israel did according to the word of Moses; and they borrowed of the Egyptians jewels of silver, and jewels of gold, and raiment:”

Have they given it back yet?

On a personal note, I’ve been going to my Grandmother’s pseudo-Seder for the past twenty years. It’s just an excuse to get the family together. But now, I learn that we’ve done it all wrong. First of all, we’re supposed to have roast lamb, with the head and organs. Second, I should be standing, with my cloaked tucked in, wearing my sandals, and holding my staff. I’m going to do that next year.

I’m also supposed to be sacrificing the first born of my livestock. I guess my children won’t miss the first guinea pig from the litter this past weekend. There are three more, and it’s for a good cause.

Tomorrow: Exodus 16-18

Now we’re getting Biblical! Really Old Testament stuff. Moses and the Pharaoh are going through the plagues. What’s cool is that God is no fancier than the Pharaoh’s magicians. Moses turns his staff into a snake, and so do the magicians. Moses turns the waters red with blood, and so do the magicians.

Every once in a while, the Pharaoh wants to relent, but the Lord hardens his heart. This aspect is what makes Him a complete jerk. After the frogs descend, the second plague, Pharaoh is willing to relent, but the Lord doesn’t let him. He wants to teach him a lesson. What that lesson is, he never explains, but I’ve seen the movie, and I knows it’s a powerful one.

As usual, the story is not consistent. The fifth plague, murrain, kills all the Egyptian livestock. The sixth, seventh and eighth — boils, hail, and locusts — all affected the livestock. What livestock?

One part where the movie and book differ is that in the movie, Moses keeps asking to let his people go. In the book, he keeps asking to be allowed to go into the desert for three days to pray. We’ll be right back. The Pharaoh never quite buys it. He offers to let only the men go, or only bring enough livestock to sacrifice. He’s no dummy.

On the other hand, he did enslave the Israelites, so it’s only fair.

Tomorrow: Exodus 11-15

God is a jerk, and Moses is not too bright. God tells him to to to Egypt and ask Pharaoh to let his people go. But God will harden Pharaoh’s heart, so that he can punish all the Egyptians. Why? Why not soften his heart and make everybody happy?

So Moses goes, but when he asks to let the people off work for a few days, he forgets to do all the magic tricks God taught him, and just makes the Pharaoh mad instead. The Pharaoh takes it out on the Hebrews by withholding straw and punishing them for not meeting their brick quota.

Now, the Hebrews are between a rock and a hard place: “And they said, The God of the Hebrews hath met with us: let us go, we pray thee, three days’ journey into the desert, and sacrifice unto the Lord our God; lest he fall upon us with pestilence, or with the sword.”

Nobody ever talks about loving God, only fearing Him. Given his history, I would, too.

And Moses is just a go-between, and unhappy about it as well. His people hate him, because he’s telling them to do what God asked, but God’s not coming through. God’s told him that Pharaoh won’t let the people go, but he’s forced to ask anyway, and get punished. It’s not a good position.

There are a couple of verses in Ex 4 that stand out. God says that He will harden Pharaoh’s heart, and punish him for that by killing his first born. Next verse, God runs across Moses on the road and almost kills him, but Moses’ wife stops him by circumcising their child. The Lord is a sociopath.

Tomorrow: Exodus 7-10

We have reached the end of the Book of Genesis. Jacob is dying, but he sees Joseph again, and is happy. Jacob and all him children and his children’s children move to Egypt to settle with Joseph. In the next book, we’ll learn how bad a mistake this was.

At the very start, Jacob takes the two sons that Joseph had by the shiksa, Ephraim and Manasseh. He never explains why, but just says so.

Now, Jacob has twelve sons, and they will form the twelve tribes of Israel (Jacob’s other name). Jacob gives prophesies about each of his sons, and most would not be happy with how they end up.

When Jacob dies, he is embalmed for forty days before he is buried. Like many other things in this book, this completely goes against Jewish law. Maybe things change later

Tomorrow, we start Exodus. We spend fifty chapters trying to get into Egypt, and we’re goi to spend just as long trying to get back out again.

Tomorrow: Exodus 1-3.