Welcome to Egypt, now get to work.

The Hebrews are having a tough time. They are breeding far quicker than the natives, and the Pharaoh worries that they could turn against him, so he enslaves them, and tells the midwives to kill every newborn boy. Pretty harsh. They don’t, so he then tell the people to cast their sons in the river.

An unnamed man and woman have a child, whom they hide for three months, and then put in a basket on the river. A daughter of the Pharaoh finds him and hires his mother to nurse him. His name: Moses.

When Moses is older, he kills an Egyptian who was smiting a Hebrew, thinking that no one saw him. He was seen, and rather than have the Pharaoh execute him, he runs away, stands up for a local girl, and marries her.

Later he is visited by The Lord who appears on a burning bush. He is told to go back to Egypt and tell his people that The Lord is coming.

So why should they be following this god? He’s already led them into egypt, and that isn’t working out so well. He’s promise them a lot of land, but it’s already owned by other people. Maybe it’s not that the Hebrews are naturally nomads, but God makes them so.

Tomorrow: Exodus 4-6

Jacob, and all his 70 descendants move to Egypt to live under the protection of the Pharaoh. God encourages this. I have a feeling it’s going to be a bad idea in the long run.

Earlier in the story, Joseph told the Pharaoh that there would be seven fat years followed by seven lean years. Instead of seeing this as a way of hoping the people of Egypt, Pharaoh and JacobJoseph saw this as a great way to take their lives. They could have warned everyone, but instead said nothing, and stockpiled enough to be a monopoly in the second seven years.

First, JacobJoseph took all their money. The next year, he took their livestock. The third year, he took their land and their freedom.

So now everyone in Egypt is a slave to JacobJoseph and the Pharaoh.

I’ve now read a large amount of Genesis, and I’ve just come to realize that this is not a book about morals, any more than the Odyssey is one. In this story, Jacob is Mr. Potter, and there is no George Bailey. We’ve seen the acts of Lot’s daughters, Lot’s offering up his daughters, Abraham on the mountain with Isaac, and God destroying whole towns, and even the world, for unnamed “sins”. I’m hoping it gets better, but I know I haven’t read the story of Job yet.

Tomorrow: Genesis 48-50

As I read the (very short) story of Onan, it turns out that his sin is not one of masturbation, but of pulling out. But as I said, it’s a short story. Onan gets three sentences, including the one where the Lord is displeased, and slays him. Still, he gets more airtime than his older brother Er, who is wicked in an unspecified way, and slain.

Later, Tamar, twice daughter-in-law of Judah, pretends to be a prostitute for Judah. When she becomes pregnant, Judah declares she should be burnt. All is forgiven when he learns it’s his own child. It’s a pretty big double standard.

After the interlude with slain brothers, a conniving daughter-in-law, and an almost roast, we get back to the story of Joseph. He’s been sold into slavery, but he’s so well-loved by the Lord, he can do no wrong, and his master puts him in charge of the house. When he rebuffs his master’s wife’s advances, she frames him and has him sent to prison. There, he interprets dreams, and is noticed the Pharaoh’s cup bearer. When Pharaoh has bad dreams, his cup bearer tells about Joseph, who becomes lord high mucky-muck.

Eventually, Joseph’s brothers come to buy grain. Joseph torments them, and then relents. All’s well that ends well.

So what is the purpose of this story? It’s far longer than anything seen so far, including God flooding the land and killing humanity. But all we have is a bunch of brothers jealous of their youngest brother, who is taken care of by God, and forgives them in the end.

Maybe I just don’t get the point.

Next: Genesis 46-47

Genesis 35, God renames Jacob to Israel, which he’d done earlier, but we like to repeat ourselves. What is more interesting is that he still feels at Jacob tricking Esau out of his birthright is just fine. “And the land which I gave Abraham and Isaac, to thee I will give it.”

Rachel dies in labor, but it’s okay, since she will have a son. He just won’t have the name she chose in her dying breath. “And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing, (for she died) that she called his name Ben-oni: but his father called him Benjamin.” She was just a woman anyway.

We then have an entire chapter discussing lineage. The only thing I learn from this is that, not only is it okay to have multiple wives, but you can also have multiple concubines. My wife says that it’s no longer okay, and I tend to agree.

And then we move onto Broadway. Jacob’s favorite son Joseph is reviled by his brothers. Mores because he keeps telling them his dreams of ruling over them. Eventually, he mentions these dreams to his father, who sends him to find his brothers in the desert. Was this Laius, who fears his son overtaking him, or just bad judgement? I believe the former.

The brothers first leave him to die, and then sell him into slavery. Only Rueben is innocent. Except of having sex with his father’s concubine! We’ll read more about Joseph tomorrow.

Tomorrow: Genesis 38-42

“And on the seventh day He rested.” Sorry about the break. I will to catch up over the week.

Three major events, today. First, Jacob heads back towards home, but worries his brother Esau will still be mad. However, Esau has forgiven Jacob, and wants him just to come home. But he gives a lame excuse about the children and lambs being tired, and says that he’ll be right behind. Instead, he wanders around through Sukkoth and Canaan.

It appears that he’s projecting his own views about Esau onto him, and being a pretty crappy brother to boot.

In Canaan, there’s a little trouble. The Crown Price rapes Jacob’s daughter Dinah, and then asks to marry her. To make up for is, the father offers to have Jacob’s people and his people intermarry and form an alliance. In deceit, Jacob’s sons agree on the condition that all the Canaanite men get circumcised. Ouch! They agree.

Three days later, when the men of the city are laid up, Jacob’s sons kill all the men, then pillage the city, raze the crops, and steal the women and children. This seems a little over the top.

On weird interlude is Jacob’s dream of wrestling with God. I don’t understand it. Maybe 4000 years ago, there was a reasonable metaphor that this reflected, but it just doesn’t make sense.

Tomorrow: Genesis 35-37

Jacob’s two wives, Rachel and Leah, decide to have a pregnancy contest. But since they are each barren, they each send their handmaids to Jacob for him to get pregnant. This story is different from Abraham and Sarah, because in this one, the wives claim the children as their own.

Is it worse to send your handmaid into the desert with her bastard son of your husband, or to keep the bastard as your own? God doesn’t seem to think either is a problem.

Later, Leah’s “son” gathers mandrakes, but she won’t give any to Rachel unless she gets to sleep with Jacob that night. And that’s the beginning of the pregnancies of the real wives. Two children each for the wives and the handmaids.

What’s surprising is the morality of all this. Not only does God not mind about the handmaids, but Leah even says that God rewarded her for giving “my maiden to my husband.”

The next section is a very good description of artificial selection. Laban tries to trick Jacob out of his payment by hiding all the speckled goats. But Jacob outwits him by making sure that all the future speckled baby goats are born of the stronger dams.

Later, he sneaks out of town with his wives, but Rachel steals her father’s idols. So Laban chases them down and searches. Rachel only gets away with this because she’s having her period, so can’t stand up. Thank God for modern absorbent materials!

Tomorrow: Genesis 32-34

We start with Jacob tricking his father into giving him the blessing that he meant for Esau. Rebekeh helps him with this, and together they steal the blessing. When Esau shows up and finds out, Isaac cannot revoke the blessing, but gives Esau a lesser blessing. That’s pretty crummy. What’s worse is that when Jacob is running away, God comes to him in a dream to tell him that he is the inheritor of Abraham’s and then Isaac’s birthrights. Just as he’d tricked it out of Esau yesterday.

So when Jacob goes off and falls in love with his first cousin, he put himself in bondage for seven years to win her hand. However, his father-in-law/uncle tricks him and marries him to the older sister. So if he still wants Rachel, he has to keep Leah happy, and work another seven years again. Jacob needed a better lawyer.

So now Jacob has married a pair of sisters (his cousins), and Esau also took another wife (at least his third). I love traditional marriage. At least they’re not Caananites!

Tomorrow: Genesis 30-31

Abraham dies and leaves nothing to his children by his concubines, only Isaac gets anything. They’re just slaves anyway. There is more about who is having which children, which I assume is meant to show the provenance of all the tribes.

Isaac has his twins, Esau and then Jacob. The latter is always jealous of the former, and at a low moment, convinces him to give up his birthright for a bowl of lentil stew. Not a great bargain, but Esau doesn’t seem to be a bright kid. He does grow up to have two wife’s, so he’s not doing so bad.

In the next chapter, Isaac moves to Gerar, and decides to play his father’s wife/sister trick. This time, Abimelach (again!) catches him, curses him, and then rewards him for his trickiness. Remember, if you are trying to pretend your wife is your sister, no PDAs.

Most of these last chapters don’t make much sense, except that God is rewarding Isaac and his family by being loyal and fearful. So everybody, remember to obey!

Tomorrow: Genesis 27-29.

My favorite story, and now I’ve read it. What is Abraham’s reaction to God telling him to sacrifice his son? Nothing. No complaints, no begging, no bargaining. He just saddles up the ass and rides into the mountains. At the very last moment, he’s stopped,since he’s proved that he fearest God. We never learn what Isaac thinks about all this. I know how I’d feel, being bound and laid on the wood, knife drawn, and stopped only at the last instant. I’d want as little as possible to do with both my father and God.

In chapter 23, we hear of the death of Sarah. And like most other things that happen to women in the bible, we read about how it affects the men. Abraham want to buy a burial cave, and everyone is good to him, and will give him any cave he wants for free. Her death is made up by the fact that his brother has had many children: eight by his wife, and four by his concubine. love those concubines!

In chapter 24, we learn that first cousins can marry. Of course, we already knew that half-siblings are ok, so this should come as no surprise.

Tomorrow: Genesis 25-26.

There’s lots of juicy stuff in a single chapter. None of it makes sense. It reeks of an arbitrary and capricious God. Two angels are in Lot’s house, and when the townspeople come to rape them, Lot offers his virgin daughters instead. But still, Lot is saved from the destruction of Sodom. His wife doesn’t fare well in the bargain. For the sin of looking back at the destruction, she’s a pillar of salt. What general lesson should we learn from this, other than to obey God’s tiniest whim?

Later in the same chapter, Lot and his daughters are living in a cave, and the daughters get Dad drunk and get themselves impregnated. The children become great nations. Again, is this an appropriate family relationship? Don’t they hold grudges for being offered to the townsfolk?

Next chapter, Abraham and Sarah play the brother/sister trick again, but this time it doesn’t work as well. Abimelech doesn’t sleep with Sarah the first night, so he gets warned by God in a dream, and not punished. However, he still pays off Abraham for the almost-sin. The more interesting factoid is that Sarah actually is Abraham’s half-sister. Cool, so it’s okay to marry your half-sister. Now we know.

Third chapter, Isaac is born. I already know how close he’s going to come to an early grave. But that’s for tomorrow.

Tomorrow: Genesis 22-24